Building my way up through Social Anxiety

There is always a time when my anxiety starts to trigger when I try to talk to people. I find it hard to cope with it, despite the difficulties I face. Sometimes, I think of wanting to change, but ‘change’ is always incorporated with the hardest things to face or get through. Sometimes I imagine myself being able to properly talk with people. But that is quite a struggle, in reality for that matter, really. I wish I never have to go through all this and just be a normal person but moving on is better than staying in the same prickled bush that keeps you tangled up.

Communicating...

"I'm not the only one."

I know, I am not the only one who has this condition. I am aware that hundreds or thousands of others out there are experiencing the same. I’d say I relate with other people who share their stories of struggling to talk about the topics they so want to pull up with friends. Neither could I keep one conversation stable, and it would at once break apart and people will brush it off and think I’m weird. Oh no, not at all, friend. Perhaps respect people’s boundaries, I’m not a good conversation starter here, but I wish I was one. Maybe someday. Just maybe…

“The s-s-stutters happen here and there.”

Oh, look at that. I could barely form proper sentences when I am in the middle of a conversation. Exactly, this one’s a big enemy for people like me. More like a big pushover, a pushover that keeps my sentences stumbling down like a tower of Jenga. One small pull of a certain brick piece and it all comes tumbling down, leaving me standing there, in front of a person, trying to compose myself oh so awkwardly. The good thing is this: Some people understand what I’m going through, and they would give me time. Some don’t. I guess that’s what makes people unique in some way, huh?

“Does this remind you of someone you relate to?”

Oh my god, hear me out. It totally does. Amid quarantine days, there was this anime I stumbled upon online, and it’s No Matter How I Look at it, Its’ You Guys’ Fault I’m Not Popular! The main character, who is known as Tomoko Kuroki, is a middle school student who struggles to communicate with people. She has severe social anxiety, and she often gets into awkward situations like barely able to talk normally to a McDonalds cashier from a certain episode in the series. She was also seeking to make herself look pretty for her friends in one episode, but it got torn off when her brother Tomoki Kuroki arrived home and he saw her at the doorway, standing there, with the most exaggerated makeup you would laugh and giggle at. (Don’t actually, I felt so bad for her LOL.) I relate to her so much because I had been in the same situation when I was asking for directions with a random stranger in the streets once. IT FELT SO AWKWARD!! But anyway, there’s always a change and I’m still going through it, much like how Tomoko herself gradually progressed in the series. Heck, she turned into a completely different person! Can’t you believe that? It’s such a big difference if you compare it with her past self and how she is now. Do you have a character or person you relate to before?

“It was the worst in the days of online classes since quarantine.”

Had you sometimes been asked by your teacher during online classes to turn on your microphone or your webcam? But unexpectedly, you have microphone problems, or your camera won’t work, or even both? Hey, that’s the opposite of the issue I had. When teachers do this, it gets my heart racing so dramatically, the only excuses I give them are sending through the chat box and typing: “Ma’am, my microphone won’t work.” Or “Sir, my camera won’t work.” It’s because I get anxious and afraid I couldn’t show myself on camera nor even speak up and reveal my voice to participate in recitations. … Enough blabbering about the past, let’s move on to how I managed to change and became a (slightly) better person in communicating with other people.

“Online influence.”

Intriguing excuse, is it? Well, of course, online interactions with friends helped me get through the difficulties I had often faced before. Nowadays, I’m able to keep myself composed when talking to strangers in public. I remember one very quote from a friend of mine online and they said “Believe in yourself. Getting through it at first will be the hardest part, but if you continue adapting, you will eventually get over it,” It felt heartwarming, and I thank them so much for that. We are still friends however, just because they’re busy with college the same as I am.

“Seek help from the ones you have trust with.”

Just like what the quote says above, I also sought help from people I trust. Close friends, parents, and relatives. Getting through certain problems in life can be assisted with face-to-face talks. Online friends count, but there is A difference because it can be ‘distant’ sometimes, making one another lead to misunderstandings. I highly recommend having conversations in-person, so they can tell how you’re truly feeling and so they will find a way to assist you through this.

“You can’t live in the same problem forever.”

Before I conclude this here, I want to thank you for reading this far. I couldn’t have done it without the help of a friend for writing this blog with me. Always remind yourself that we live in a world where problems arise here and there, but there is always a way to move on and adjust yourself from such problems you face in life. That’s one of the ways of living if you think about it.

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